gracchusdixit

By every standard of political calculus, the next Presidential election should be a shoe-in for the Republicans.  The economy is anemic, unemployment is still painfully high, millions of people are stuck with homes worth less than their mortgages, the financial markets lurch between euphoria and manic depression, the European financial system is teetering on the brink of collapse, and the President of the United States can’t get even the most innocuous legislation passed by a Congress that seems bound and determined to stonewall everything he proposes.  Surely, this is a prescription for a Democratic disaster next November.  At least it would be—if it weren’t for the fact that the would-be Republican nominees for President have, each and every one, become characters in a badly written, badly acted sitcom.

Michele Bachmann, once the darling of social conservatives, fizzled out faster than a sparkler on the Fourth of July.  Ron Paul, still the darling of the libertarians, is proving himself, once again, to be an amusing circus clown, honest enough in his own, odd way but hopelessly out of touch with reality.  Newt Gingrich, the once mighty Speaker of the House and the bete noir of Bill Clinton, has turned into a sad joke whose personal and financial foibles would bring a blush to the face of anyone less self-assured and less self-absorbed.  And poor Jon Huntsman, one of the few Republican candidates who just might be qualified to be President, can’t even get noticed by voters, despite ringing endorsements by the Republican establishment.

Then, there are ever-so-recent “big three”—Romney, Cain, and Perry.

It was only a month ago that Rick Perry was judged by the punditry to be a slam-dunk, the man who represented the “sweet spot” between Michele Bachmann’s fiery evangelism and Mitt Romney’s cold, calculating competence.  It didn’t take more than a couple of weeks for the sweet spot to turn sour.  After his latest, bizarre Vegas act in New Hampshire, Perry’s milk seems to have curdled once and for all.

It was only a week ago that Herman Cain, with his ah-shucks charm, was riding high.  To be sure, the cable news commentariat never gave him much of a chance, but hey, this is America, and a fair number of ordinary Republicans seemed to like the guy well enough to forgive him an occasional faux pas.  Now, a couple of news cycles later, he is mired in accusations of sexual harassment and illegal campaign funding.  Former pizza czar that he is, he doesn’t seem to realize what all the fuss is about, let alone how to blunt it.  Perhaps he’s too busy trying to sell copies of his book.

And then there’s the semi-official “front-runner,” Mitt Romney, if you can use the phrase “front-runner” to describe a guy whose poll numbers have never cracked 25 percent of the Republican electorate.  We’ve known all along that he was wooden caricature whose idea of the common touch was climbing into a pressed pair of designer jeans.  But dumb?  No, that wasn’t possible.  After all, the guy made millions of dollars on Wall Street and was a pretty successful governor of Massachusetts, a place where you wouldn’t think a Mormon could get elected dog-catcher.  Such a man just couldn’t be dumb.

But dumb is precisely what Romney seems to be.  Who but a dummy would claim against all the evidence that climate change didn’t exist, then change his mind, then change it again?  Who but a dummy would be “pro-choice” when he was governor of Massachusetts, then “absolutely” support a Constitutional Amendment that would ban abortion regardless of circumstance and turn birth control into a crime?  Who but a dummy would champion universal health care for the citizens of the state he used to run, then turn around and deny it to the citizens of the United States?

Mitt Romney may just be the most sadly comical of the motley crew of Republican candidates, because he seems too smart to do such dumb things.  But then, maybe he’s not dumb at all.  Maybe he just doesn’t believe in anything except winning an election.  Maybe he thinks he’s smart enough to fool us and we’re the ones who are too dumb to notice.  If that’s the case, then Mitt Romney has outsmarted himself.  He may be a front-runner now, but come next November, he’ll be running dead last.  The sitcom will be over, and the joke will be on him.