gracchusdixit

There is much hand-wringing over the looming and apparently unstoppable consequences of climate change.  As there should be.  The prospect of global catastrophe is not a pretty sight.

On the other hand, the precipitous warming of the planet does offer certain practical and psychological consolations, if we are prepared to recognize and appreciate them.  To mention but a few:

The country club memberships of a great many white, well-fed, and self-satisfied Republicans will become worthless, since there will be no water left to green up the links and lawns where they spend so much of their time, squandering so much of the planet’s resources.

For the same reason, swimming pools will disappear, ending the torment of countless homeowners who didn’t realize until it was too late that building a pool is the equivalent of flushing money down a toilet.

MacMansions and suburban sprawl will disappear as well.  There won’t be enough energy to heat, cool or light the mansions or any way of reaching them to begin with.  In time, their deserted hulks will rot and collapse, supplying centuries of sustenance for the termites, who, like the roaches, will probably outlive us all.

The problem of obesity will likewise disappear, since food production will shrivel and food prices will skyrocket, making it all but impossible for most Americans to eat their customary three or four, highly caloric squares a day.  This, in turn, will not only reduce health care costs, it will dramatically reduce the cost of clothing.  There will be only two sizes:  skinny and anorexic.

The Interstate Highway System, which we lack either the money or the will to repair, will be left to crumble into gravel, since no one will be able to afford a drive of more than a few miles.  This will spare us all a great deal of aggravation, end the plague of road rage, and have the salubrious effect of lowering both highway fatalities and insurance rates.

We will no longer have to put up with the fetishistic cult of the ubiquitous plastic water bottle or suffer endless lines in front of the recycling machines at local grocery stores.  The only water left will be undrinkable, and those who are still able to get their hands on the last few drops of the fresh stuff won’t want to advertise the fact.

Many “red” states below the Mason-Dixon line will become uninhabitable as average summer temperatures rise into the mid-100s and no amount of money in the world can keep the air conditioners running.  Of course, northern “blue” states may be disinclined to welcome a horde of white-flight immigrants seeking cooler climes.  In which case, they would be well-advised to start building border fences right now.  This will have the added advantage of boosting their economies and providing jobs.  After all, one can never have too many border guards.

As oil prices inevitably fall and the value of oil reserves plummets, the economy of Texas will collapse.  Since the oil industry is the only plausible excuse for Texas to exist in the first place, its population will all but evaporate.  If the Mexicans are foolish enough to want this boringly barren real estate back, we should wish them well and bid the few remaining Texans a cheerful adios.  Presumably, the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders will have to adopt a new dress code and pick up some Spanish if they wish to stay in business.

Southern Florida will be under water, ending a century and a half of rampant real estate speculation, environmental contamination and unspeakable bad taste.  Of course, some will lament the passing of Spring Break, but by then, it will be so hot everywhere that bikinis and thongs will be de rigueur as far north as Bangor.

Lower Manhattan will also be under water.  This, once and for all, will put an end to the investment banking business, and we shall never again have to worry about bailing out the likes of  J. P.  Morgan and Goldman Sachs.  They will probably relocate to Switzerland, and the tidy Swiss can tend to them forever more.  This will give the Swiss something useful to do, since there will no longer be any skiing on their snowless Alps.

Finally, we shall at last be treated to the sound of the gods laughing.  It was King Lear who said: “As flies to little boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.”  As the planet bakes and mankind broils, there will be plenty of sport for the gods to laugh at.  The best we can hope for is to laugh along with them.